Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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