hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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