Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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