non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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