So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
