allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
