im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
