Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
