Moan for me like Helen Keller
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
