I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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