did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
