none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
