This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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