Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
