Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
