Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
