you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
