Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
