Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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