this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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