Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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