He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh god it's open bar.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
