I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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