She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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