I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
