I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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