guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
