I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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