Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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