my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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