The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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