I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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