new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
