I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
