So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
