Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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