WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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