Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
