mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
