Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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