I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
