I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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