I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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