I hate all girls vehemently.
This is not my ceiling
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
