i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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