I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I want you more than these girls want KFC
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
