apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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