i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
