Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
