Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
