My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
