2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
