There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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