my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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