I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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