He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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