The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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