Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
