Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
