I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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