You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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