turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize