I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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