You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
